Thursday, March 17, 2011

The New fanny Pack - Part 2

So, the fanny pack debate rages on.  Today a few words from a second opinionater, he muses on the fanny pack abroad, and what it says about the American... I mean wearer.

Before we begin I once more present to you the fanny pack from the Spring Summer runways of 2011:


Hermes, Pucci, Furstenburg
For larger  views and to read The Comedian's take on this accessory see my previous post.

The Skate-Boarder
Firstly I want to say that The Amazing Race is the greatest human endeavor since the moon missions { which were pointless and looked bad on tv }. It is the only show I watch besides Canada's Next Top Model. I believe Bruckheimer deserves at least the Nobel Peace Prize and have started a Twitter campaign to get Flight Time and Big Easy elected for President and Secretary of State.

That aside, the fanny pack is an aberration. Where I am from, it is called The Bum Bag and is basically the same as wearing a t-shirt saying "I am American. I want robbed and you don't even have to speak to me. If you want a two year old Sony Cybershot with 400 pictures of my sweaty wife at Edinburg castle, my passport, a AMEX Platinum card, two Travelodge room keys, about 600 pounds in cash and a chapstick just take this".

Regarding the items above, the first is a cheat. Of course an extremely attractive purse attached to a rather attractive belt is going to look good.

The second has it down pretty tight. Ugly as sin, awkward and almost certainly forces you to do a weird dance every time your get a text message. A real purse strap grants a certain amount of leverage. The wearer can hold the purse in whichever position suits. The bum bag however demeans the wearer by making them assume unnatural postures and wrist movements in order to dredge it's foul depths. Seriously, spend a day with your Malboro Lights and car keys down the front of your underwear and see how convenient it is getting to them.

Three: Fucking matching gloves? Genius. I may even drag my Disneyland fanny pack out from my pre-teen attic box and see if I can scrape up a pair of Mickey mitts.

The whole native American vibe is cool. "Is that a fanny pack?" "Yeah. It is. I keep the scalps of people who ask me dumb questions in it. Do you like it?"

I think when it comes to fanny packs the whole point is to exude some kind of irony. To take fanny packs seriously is like faking a mission to the moon. No one would have cared even if you'd done it for real. When it comes to fanny packs, remember the following; some places you go, a fanny may not be a bum and if you have to wear one, don't be fancy. Just go Napoleon Dynamite or go home.

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